I sit shut inside the dark of my room listening to the unrestrained shouts coming from my parents downstairs. They're yelling about me.
She'll never get over it, screams my father. She's weak.
Don't talk about her like that. My mother comes to my defense. She doesn't have to though, for once my father's right about something.
I'm weak. I remember too much, forget too little. Thinking of the of days when we were laying in the sun, soaking in light, soaking in his smile. I dread going back to school because I know I can't hide the sorrow etched into the creases in my face. Smiles do next to nothing when your eyes are screaming that you're broken.
I miss losing track of time with him. I miss how my heart would pound in my chest when I saw him.
Great. Now I'm crying. My dad's right about me, I'm never going to get over him. Never going to get over the accident.
Every night I lay in bed holding the picture from our first date, he had just scored a double-strike in bowling so they took our picture. That was an amazing time. I’d known him forever and he’d finally asked me out.
Four years of us dating later, I’m here thinking of all the what ifs. What if we could be together for just one more day? What if I could turn the clock back? Stopped him from stepping into the street. Stopped the truck coming his way. Just stopped everything.
He's my everything. My heart aches when I think things like that. I just want one more moment with him to tell him how much he means to me before... No, I'm not even going to think it. That would make it true.
I had to get out of here. Finally I hopped off my bed and stomped down the stairs. My parents blur of an argument was stuttered to a stop as I got to the bottom step. They were staring at me, mouths gaping wide open as if they’d seen a ghost.
Yes. I can hear you. I yanked my jacket off its hook and slammed the front door behind me.
I started walking, near running actually, along my street.
Without even thinking I ended up walking towards the cliff overlooking the lake. Him and I had spent countless days here, just listening to the waves below us. My eyes started spilling over onto my cheeks again.
I finally made my way to the top of the cliff, a cool sea breeze made me shiver so I shoved my hands into my pockets. Clink.
I felt the ring he gave me smack into something else metal. Grabbing whatever it was I pulled it out of my pocket.
It was a silver key. It wasn't mine, whose was it? I turned it around in my hand, my throat closing up at the sight of it. In small writing across the top of the key was written "Finn".
Oh God. It was his house key. A house I could never go to again without bawling uncontrollably.
My thoughts were racing a million miles a minute and I couldn't stand to even be holding the key anymore. With as much strength as I could bring up, I threw the key as far into the water as I could, hoping the memories would be lost with it.
I suddenly felt defenseless so I pulled my hood up, needing the security of being hidden.
Clouds began to roll across the sky, obscuring the moon, darkening everything around me. It’s funny how the weather seems to reflect exactly how I’m feeling right now.
My limbs didn't feel my own. Sounds wouldn't quite come out. I wanted so badly to scream but my lungs wouldn't let me. Straining to make any sound, tears began to fall again. Why is this so hard without him?
I closed my eyes, remembering the day it happened.
Lights were flashing everywhere. Blue then red, and back again. Finn was laying on the street, bloodied and bruised.
"Please don't leave me Finn. I need you to stay with me." My tears dripped on his cheeks, dragging his blood with them as they fell even farther to the asphalt beneath us.
"I wouldn't dream of it." He barely whispered back before shutting his eyes. He was gone before the ambulance even got there. They hadn't even had a chance to try and bring him back to me.
Thinking so much about him makes me wish we were seven again, running around playing games in our neighbourhood.
Slowly I walked closer to the edge. My body didn't belong to me. Like I had no control over myself as I looked down at the dark, crashing waves.
Half my stuff is still at his house. Most of my clothes still laying at the end of his bed. I laughed at the thought of him complaining that I'd turned his room into my own personal closet. He still loved me though. No, he still loves me.
I smiled up at the sky as I came closer to the water, feeling myself fall.
He is my everything, my reason for life, my reason to be.